i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
