You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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