Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
