Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
