I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
