I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
