I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
