That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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