how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
