i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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