I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
