Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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