Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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