I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
