i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
