you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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