I'm sorry my penis didn't work
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize