sarcasm needs its own font
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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