The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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