Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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