He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
