You work out of a Hotel?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
