god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
