I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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