I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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