Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He? As in you personified your dick?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
