so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
