Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
