Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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