LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize