I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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