I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
