Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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