I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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