I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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