She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
