I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Randomize
