Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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