my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
