Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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