I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
