so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
