White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
