Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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