You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
