I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Are my feet made of real feet?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
how drunk are you?
Several
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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