Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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