Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
