she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
