Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize