she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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