Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
