I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
