Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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