If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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