If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm too high and old for this...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
