I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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