Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
