My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
