i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
