At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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