can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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