Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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