i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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