I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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