Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I looked at my own cervix.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
