I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
