If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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