i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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