Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
