i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
did i walk over a car last night?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
